Relations or relationship?


I feel there are two very specific types of daters: those who are into relationships and those who are just into relations. As long as one can identify herself with one category, there are ways to predict whether that new guy you’re seeing might fall into the same category.

It’s best to know what you want from a guy almost immediately after meeting him. If all you want is sex, don’t expect to make it into a relationship. If you want it to be a relationship, don’t have sex too soon.

Case and point, my friend Elizabeth. She’s been playing the field, meeting interesting guys and having sex, but when she decided she wanted to turn relations into a relationship, things got messy. I think having sex too soon determines that capability.

Let’s start with that first encounter. I like using the bar/club as the meeting place; it’s a muddled mess and often regarded as a disappointing drunken meat market.  But, it can still be promising.

If that guy that approaches you at the bar/club is more interested in dancing with you than in conversation, he’s most likely only interested in relations. Same goes if he’s extremely touchy, as in his hands are basically grazing your ass every chance he gets. He might rest his hands on your hips and touch your arms too many times, most likely he’s trying to get as close to your breasts as possible.

The guy who touches you slightly and just every now and then isn’t just ass-grabbing, but touches you to assure you he’s interested. If he’s actually striking up conversation, he shows interest in getting to know you instead of just trying to grind. I enjoy the guys who actually try to talk; it makes me feel that the guy is decent and regards me as a lady not a sex object.

During that first encounter, the guy only interested in relations will offer shots, or won’t even bother offering a drink. A guy who only wants sex most likely wouldn’t want to have to pay for someone he is only interested in a one night stand with. His eyes will most likely be drawn to your body, as in boobs not face, and he will ask what you’re doing later, around 3 a.m. (as in “Will you do me later?”). Obviously he’s trying to have a quick and easy hookup. If you just want a one night stand, go for it. But, if you want to possibly get to know him and see where the relationship could go, then don’t go home with him yet.

Hard to get might seem young but it is a good way to see how interested someone really is. If you go home with a guy on the first night, he’s going to think you’ll have sex (most likely). He’ll also think you’re probably only interested in sex.  If you are that’s fine, but obviously if you’re interested in relationships you’re giving the wrong impression. After that night, don’t expect him to call you to go on a date. From then on, you’re relationship with him will be based on relations. There is no longer a point for him to wine and dine you when he already got what he wanted.

To gear toward a relationship, hold out. If he isn’t coming on too strong, you shouldn’t either. He might be shy, then again he might be the kind of guy who likes to get to know someone before hooking up. Don’t scare him by being too forward, making lewd comments or grabbing his package. He could end up thinking you’re more suitable for a guy only interested in one night stands when you might not be.

Assuming you exchange numbers, see what happens. The guy only interested in hooking up won’t bother texting you until about after 10 p.m. to hang out. Or, have sex. His text will be centered on finding out what you’re doing not how you’re doing. Most likely he has never talked to you on the phone during the day and as far as dates; you two haven’t left his bedroom.

If a guy is doing this it’s because he only wants sex. Most likely this is the behavior after already having sex and he doesn’t see the point in “dating.” Don’t call him out on it. There’s no point. Elizabeth told a guy she was casually sleeping with that if he wants to see her again he needs to take her on a date. They haven’t seen each other in over a week.

The relationship guy will text/call earlier in the day to ask how you have been and ask if you’d like to do something not involving his penis. A lunch or dinner date, perhaps a trip to the movies would be ideal. This shows again that he’s interested in conversing. He’s more interested in getting to know you, not just your vagina.

There are always exceptions, but since high school I have always been a firm believer in the power of sex and its effects on possible relationships. In order to make something last, I think sex should wait. But, if sex is all one needs, then I don’t think hooking up too soon is bad. It’s only bad if you wanted a relationship, not just relations.


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