That's What V Said

*Opinion*

In movies women have played “naive” and “sexy” to get out of speeding tickets, or any ticket. I always thought I would cry and the officer would feel so bad for me he or she would let me go. I never thought to try showing cleavage to get out of a ticket; then again I always secretly hoped I’d be dressed to go out when I got pulled over. That way, assuming it’d be a male officer who doesn’t go completely “by the book,” he would be so smitten by my “charms” he’d let me off with a warning. And maybe his number.

Reality would have it very differently. There’s this sneaky road by my house with a speed limit that quickly goes from 45 mph to 35 mph in about .253 seconds. I guess I never saw the point in going 35 because I knew by the time I’d slow down there would be a red light coming up. This time there were red and blue lights coming up.

Jamming out to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” I saw a car sitting up on a grassy area and wondered what the driver was doing. “Maybe the car broke down,” I cleverly assumed. I was coming up the curve, beating everyone else since my mentality when driving used to be that everyone wanted to race me and I had to win. All of a sudden, not even before I passed the broken down car, its lights started flashing. Blue and red, berries and cherries.

“Shit.” My first speeding ticket. I didn’t even think for a second, “Oh maybe the cop is chasing someone else.” I pulled over on a left turn lane. The one I needed to use to get to my friend’s house. “Dammit.”

It was a male cop, and he looked pretty young, maybe in his 30s. I was dressed up to go out, wearing a short strapless dress, not too much cleavage. As I turned off Michael I thought about the song I was listening to. “Beat It?” Could I…beat the system? This was my chance. To pull down my dress slightly or not to pull it down, that was my inner question. I couldn’t cry because I was in too good a mood, and laughed at the irony that the place I was getting my first speeding ticket at was the place my friends and family always yelled “SLOW DOWN” at when I’d drive through there.

“Good evening, can I have your license please?”

“Sure! Do you need my registration, too?” He said no. I pulled out my license from my little white purse and gave it to him. He said he pulled me over because I was supposed to reduce my speed to 35 around that corner. “Yeah, I’ve heard that one before,” I very quietly thought to myself.

“Oh really?” was what I actually said to him, putting on my best confused face. I think I even cocked my head to the side. Too bad my address revealed I live about one minute away from that very street and regrettably I had to answer yes I still live there when he asked. “Since I was 5” is what I thought.

As he walked away to check my record, I was calm. He wasn’t going to find anything on that record. He popped my traffic violation cherry.

He took a long time though. I got a text on my BlackBerry and debated checking it, wondering if I could get another ticket for texting while in the car. I didn’t check it. I didn’t even turn Michael back on. I looked out my window and saw every car turning right stare at me, probably assuming I was driving drunk like I always assume when I see a poor bastard sitting in a car with a cop parked behind him/her. I smiled at every car, and thought about waving. I didn’t wave.

He came back with my license and a summons. “Son of a bitch, my parents are going to kill me,” I thought. Yes, I am 22 but my parents are constantly commenting on how horrible I drive. Just earlier that day my mom complained about how bad I tailgate, and my little brother always chimes in to make things worse. “Yeah when I drive in her car I always feel nauseous.” I’d scowl at him. My dad would always remind me that he has never gotten a speeding ticket and that he’s so surprised I haven’t gotten a ticket or have gotten in an accident yet. They were hard to convince I wasn’t a bad driver even with my clean record, now I’m screwed. I blame my driving test teacher back in high school. She passed me for my license with a 70.

“Your court date is in August.” What? “Can’t I just pay it?” I asked. He explained I could and could go online, etc. He said he felt bad tainting my clean record. That was probably my chance to make him reconsider giving me a speeding violation, but I settled for a smile and “OK, well…Th-.” I had to stop myself from saying thank you. Why the hell would I say thank you? He smiled and said “Have a nice night, drive safe.” “OK, you too!”

I picked up my friend and went out. Throughout the night I told every friend I saw I got my very first ever speeding ticket with a stupid smile on my face. “Shit, how fast were you going?” “48 on a 35.” My friend’s boyfriend is a cop and said it could be $200. I assumed he was drunk and the water he was drinking was actually a gin and tonic to make myself feel better. My friend Brandon texted me the next morning asking if I have gotten a job yet. “NO. But I did get my first speeding ticket last night.”

Telling my mom was going to suck. I told her as soon as I got home that night. She was sitting downstairs watching TV. Before I got to break the news she said she was nauseous from the Mexican food she had earlier. Great. “I got a speeding ticket.” I was waiting for her either throw up or call me a dumbass or something and take my keys away, informing me that I was irresponsible and immature. She laughed. That was it. The next day I avoided telling my dad since I figured I was paying for it anyway, why bother? My mom at around 2 p.m. said she couldn’t believe I didn’t tell him yet. He came into the guest room right as I was typing this very blog looking for his phone when I said “I got a speeding ticket last night.” He said, “You got points on your record. Congratulations.”

Well, my parents only confirmed in their minds I’m a terrible driver. And I realized when it came down to trying to get out of a ticket I wasn’t very good at it. I can’t even try to beat the system. No crying, flirting or pleading. Instead, I took it like a champ. I really hope it won’t be $200.