Icebreakers and deal breakers

*Opinion*

There are definitely bad ways to approach a woman. Use a pickup line if you have to, but this particular night, a few days ago when my friend Lo and I went to Catch 31, I met a guy who gave me the worst first impression ever.

Sitting at a table close to the bar, she was drinking a dirty martini and I had a golden margarita, both were a little on the salty side. We were discussing our days and were browsing the drink menu when we were approached by a guy.

“Hey can I ask you a question,” he said, an obvious shy guy who needed some sort of icebreaker to ease the tension. “Yes we’re lesbians on a date,” I said.  We all started laughing, and then he proceeded with his question. “How much does a polar bear weigh?”

Lo and I started laughing already, figuring it’d be something cute not dirty. I knew the answer so I said “enough to break the ice.” He ended up sitting with us and telling us he was in the NAVY. He was around 6’2, a little awkward and a little nerdy, but was very nice. Like clockwork his friend came in playing his wingman.

He sat next to me since his friend was sitting next to Lo, and said “I’m here to help him out.” He was also in the NAVY and was also nice. After talking for about 10 minutes, I got attacked from the side. He was a Hawaiian, who went by “Mits” because of his “large hands.” I could not make that shit up.

He started casually asking how I was and what my name was. I glanced over at the NAVY guy I was talking to and he was sipping his drink and talking to Lo and her guy. Mits was interrupting what could have been a double date for all he knew, but he didn’t care. His friend on the other hand was a GEM. Mits was the decoy making the first attack for his friend, the MMA fighter. He was close to my height and I was sitting on a stool.

MMA immediately started bad mouthing the military guys, calling them douchebags with them in ear shot. “Are you seriously with these guys?” “We’re just friends, I have a boyfriend,” I said, lying and trying to shoo him away. He didn’t budge. I was seriously afraid he was about to put me in a sleeper hold.  He was sneering. By this point I was starting to think MMA didn’t stand for Mixed Martial Arts. More like Mean Mugging Asshole.

As he tried making small talk the NAVY guy that was talking to me retreated back to his other NAVY friends by the bar. Lo’s guy hung in there. After every other word, MMA guy would scoff at Lo’s guy , saying “This tall bitch keeps looking at me like he wants to fight me. You’d be surprised how easy these tall ones go down. I’ve taken guys down his height.” MMA was saltier than my margarita. Clearly this possible steroid abuser had a serious case of short man syndrome.

I kept giving Lo that “finish-your-damn-drink-so-we-can-get-the-hell-out-of-here-now” look. I couldn’t believe this guy had the nerve to be so rude to these guys in order to make himself look like the better choice. I wanted to punch him in the face.

Then MMA guy started making fun of Lo’s guy’s shirt. He was wearing a button up. “He probably got his shirt from Old Navy. Why are you guys talking to him? You’re just trying to get free drinks right?” I was partly worried that the NAVY guys would hear him and start a fight, yet partly hoping the NAVY guys would hear him and start a fight. I kept thinking that would give us a chance to escape from these animals.

“We got our own drinks,” I said, annoyed and a little offended. “Where’d you get your shirt” I asked, getting sick of his pseudo badass image. He said, “Abercrombie.” MMA guy was wearing a shirt that looked more Affliction than Abercrombie. The shirt had black all over it; I used to work there and knew he was lying. Abercrombie wouldn’t make something like that.

I grabbed the back of his shirt to read his tag. There it was, Apt. 9. “Did you get this from Kohl’s?” He sneered and looked like a complete ass. He finally left me alone.

I couldn’t believe a guy could be so intruding and such a douche. Seriously? Does that work for him? What girl would go for that?!

The guys who were talking to us at the start of the night were actually nice guys, coming in polite and asking us about ourselves. Sure it may have been their way to try getting in our pants, but at least they weren’t rude about it. At least they weren’t trying to pick fights with anyone.

At the end of the night, Lo’s guy walked us to her car. He was by her side the entire night. They ended up exchanging numbers and are going on a date this week.  It’s funny that MMA kept making fun of Lo’s guy the whole night when he was the one who actually got a number and date. If they did get in a fist fight, I’m sure MMA would have one. But that night, he was a loser in our eyes.

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